Ugh
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
💯😂
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]