And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
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Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
next question.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day