Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
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Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong