I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
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They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat