[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
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[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.