All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.