Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women