“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing