Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
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All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Me trying to “trust the process”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.