“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
this is so top tier i cant
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.