4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
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[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?