Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
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My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again