Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Animal poetry
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”