*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea