ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I thought this was funny lol
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.