coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school