Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
You Might Also Like
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?