“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
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Meowchelangelo
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
(2022)
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv