What kind of a cult is this?
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Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Watermelon Boss!
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.