Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I’m a self-made hundredaire
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Anyone want a chair?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?