Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
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Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?