The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
You Might Also Like
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.