“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
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People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
The hardest thing Vision has to do
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.