If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
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I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Okey dokey.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
we’re gonna need another temp
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.