The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.