[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
You Might Also Like
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Banking tips
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Möther may I have a snäck
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister