*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆