Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them