[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
That’s classic.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.