Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
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Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*