time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
what it’s like dating me:
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are