my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
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Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*