*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Monica just destroyed the internet
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy