When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
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I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Good morning.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
estão todos miauvindo?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.