Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
You Might Also Like
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
relationship goals
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me