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me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.