*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
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BRO LMFAO
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me