My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
lol
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
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No one: I can hear screaming