Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it