*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Before & after 😅
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
#parenting