Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
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Strange
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment