Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Guys, I found it.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My time has come.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see