Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
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girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
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People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.