When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
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A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.