me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg