life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
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You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
This came to me in a dream.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
wut hotdog?