“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)