ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Its true…
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.