There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo