Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
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Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
for all #parents out there
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down